hanging on

Its getting worse. Everyday I feel a little less like doing anything. I want to sleep and am doing lots of it. Also mindless eating. Nothing even tastes good anymore. I'm terrified of not having a job and I'm terrified of getting a job. Afraid of the fact that I won't be able to be consistent in my work. One day I'm pumped up about it. and then for a week I could care less. I'm afraid of a job with lots of responsiblitly, where people are counting on me. I can barely take care of myself, let alone be responsible for other people's expectations. Don't want any expectations upon me. I'm doing okay with the boys, though I can feel myself sllipping into letting that go. Just letting them get away with anything and trying to get through the day. It isn't fair to them. And obviously, something is getting to T. He can sense something because he asked this morning if we were going to be in this house when he's in fifth grade. I said of course, but he was pulling his fingers and seemed uncomfortable. I will NOT lose this house for them. I need to get back to taking care of ME so I can take care of them. I know that the perm became a bit of an obsession and was a  bit of a distraction. But it doesn't have to be. I do believe in that stuff and it did help me when I went away for that week. I was forced to be healtlhy and think more healthily. I've also been trying to think of men I might be interested in, so that I can use that as an excuse to care more about myself and take care ofme better by exercising and eating better and grooming better etc... so stupid that I want to have a guy force me to do that. You can tell I'm getting into a deep hole when I don't shave my legs or anywhere else. It has nothing to do with being environmentally correct, because to be honest, I hate the way they look and feel when they are hairy. I have been talking to God quietly, but not doing yoga or walking much or really meditating. Lots of tv watching, sleeping and eating. Feeding the boys and myself quick junk food, packaged crap. I am needing to be touched physically, as well. I don't know if it is so much sex that I want as it is loving touch. When I got the pedicure on Thursday (and I'm glad I did, even if it was in a rebellious way, like, fuck it I'm spending money I dont have..) it was so nice to feel somebody actually touching my skin. Not like a turn on, but like it was nice that somebody cared. And I've been thinking a lot about carrying out one of my fantasies...the one about experimenting with a woman. I've never been this close to doing it before. I dont want to feel shame about it. I don't think I am a lesbian, I am just curious. Just want to know what it is like. But, then again, maybe it has something to do with the fact that right now I am lonely and want physical touch but dont want to be hurt again like with P who can absolutlely give the physcial but not a scrap of the emotional or caring part. There is nothing wrong with trying it out and experimenting. In some ways, I might feel less judged. I don't know. I dont want it to be sleezy and gross. Only different. I also found myself thinking about that guy who helped with the bike, even though he is young. And, when i dropped the boys off at that occasion, when that old friend hugged me, I felt so good. NOT at all sexual, just cared about. And I know we have always had a connectioin, not even a sexual one, but one that is a caring about each other and likeing to be around each other. Understanding each other. I always liked talking to him. I could tell he cared and was kind and gentle as well as hard working. He is married, though and I would never ever pursue anything like that. I wont do that.
So what are the ways I can get that physical touch thing and taking care of myself thing needs met? Massage, hugs from the kids, exercise...I get a feeling like I care about my body and am taking care of it. The pool felt especially comforting yesterday, maybe meeting that woman and seeing if we are interested in trying it out, putting healthier food in my body when it is hungry, journalling, stretching.....definitely stretching.
I want someone to care about me...but i have to care ab out me first.

I am realizing that this is not something I'm suddenly going to "get" or understand and it will click for the rest of my life. I won't suddenly change and stay that way for my life...this struggle I have with taking care of myself and liking myself will be lifelong It will be every day and i will need to choose every day. I have depression and so it will be struggle for me. I will always have a tendency to fall into those down times. And I might need to allow myself to do that. Perhaps I need to accept that part of my life will be these down times and part of it will be pulling myself out and living happily. But I will always have some down, bad times. I need to accept that. And whomever I work with. have a relationship or friendship with also will need to know that. Perhaps accepting that part of myself will help me to not feel like a failure because that is just who I am.