irritation

I am hurt and irritated that my family and friends make a joke about my commitment to our planet. I am trying to be kind to our environment and also trying to find ways to help poor countries and people in need. But no body seems to take me No one likes it. My best friend laughed at me when I suggested camping. She said that all of a sudden me trying to be green is going over board or something... oh yeah, Since when have you been a camper and into the outdoors? I am ashamed to admit that I have been hiding that part of me for so long. Yes, that is a HUGE part of me that I got in touch with when I was about 19. I have ignored it and tried to hide it. But it is my passion. I need to do this. This is my path.  I need to make a difference in our world to our planet and help those in need. That is who I am. When I was a teacher that was easy for family and friends because it was normal. Not rocking the boat. But the path I want to follow entails asking others to take a look at their own lives and make small changes. Theydon't like that I make them uncomfortable. I am also upset that my own family is not very interested in my blog. I would love more readers. I wish people would comment. I'm just hurt by how they are sarcastic and seem to think I only just started feeling this way, that I'm jumping on a bandwagon or something. It is the real me. I do care and I do want to make a difference. Spread the word, help others make small, easy changes.

Going overboard

I need to slow down. I have been doing too many things to distract myself from the feelings of worthlessness I have had for the past three days. These are the first official actually four days of being unemployed. I drove past the school last night and it sucked. I wanted to cry. I have been keeping myself so busy cleaning and fixing things and organizing and cooking so I don't have to feel. I'm scared I'm going to get depressed if I don't stay really really busy. I have to admit, it was nice not to have to go anyplace today. It is nice to enjoy my house by myself. But I'm now trying too hard to be the perfect little homemaker and realistically, that is just not who I am. I am a bit messy and I don't make everything from scratch. I have been exercising with a friend, though and that is helping. I'm actually having fun and I love teaching her new moves. I know it's good for my body, too. I had chest pain on Weds. evening but it went away. I wanted to eat and eat tonight..something really sweet, but no matter what I thought of, nothing would fill my empty spot. So, I had a small bowl of ice cream and some sweet potato fries and really it wasn't a binge, only my dinner. So, I didn't use food. I do still try, but it doesn't work anymore.

It sucks when I have to explain why I'm home when people ask me. I hate their pity and I hate having to explain it. I feel like a loser.

I hate the ex boyfriend. He called me from a different line at his work, another one I hadn't blocked yet..but now it is. He is such an asshole. I tried to get him to understand that he was a jerk because he lied to me by trying to sleep with when he was dating this other girl. He didn't see it that way and didn't see it as disrespectful to me at all. Only to her. And he didn't even know her and she broke up with him anyway. He is incapable of caring for anyone but himself and his daughter. So glad he is totally blocked and that I told him he was an ass and not to contact me again. He said she had asked if they could still be friends and I said, why in the hell would anybody want to be your friend? He agreed with me. He knows he is an ass and a loser but won't do anything to change. Good riddance to bad rubbish.

I don't know why I keep expecting people to jump up and down or something and tell me how great I am after reading my other blog. It is ridiculous. I should be happy I have a place to practice my writing and be creative.
Today was a really really hard day for me. All day I wanted to cry just cry and cry and I felt so bad about myself. Like I was so mean and horrible and worthless. I wanted to cry I was so lonely. So sad. School or lack of school is getting me down. My outburst screaming fit at my sis made me feel horrible. I said some terrible things to her and it just made me think of all the other times I've lost control and been a horrible person screming, swearing. I'm so sad today. I really didn't want to take more of my meds, but I broke down and took 75mg. more tonight because I'm afraid for tomorrow. I don't want to feel like this tomorrow. I've been so moody since my surgery on THursday. The only thing I can think of is it messed up my hormones or the anesthesia messed me up a bit. I do feel like I miss my sister. We haven't really been very close recently. i am sad and lonely about not working. I am also lonely because I don't have a good relationship with a man. I've made myself lonely by staying with a guy who is selfish and only wants one thing. I have hidden myself behind sixty extra pounds so I don't have to deal with the trials and tribulations of having another person close to me. Of having someone else to think about. It is hard enough to think about just myself and my boys. Too much to worry about what somebody else thinks. But I do miss having somebody care about me. I do miss the physical comfort, holding hands, laughing, enjoying someone else's company. I do miss that.

Why am I so emotional? Oh my god I'm scaring myself. I was so incredibly angry today and last Sat. with my sister. I swore at her I was screaming and swearing. I'm so hurt inside right now I feel like I can just cry and cry and cry. I have buckets of tears why? Why can't I stop crying? I feel ashamed of myself for losing control. I should know better than to call anybody else. I never should have called my parents when I'm in such an emotional state. They were so worried about me I could hear it in their voices telling me to calm down and am I gonna be okay, Like I was gonna do something This is what happens to me I explode I explode in anger or in tears and just cry and sob and swear and they get scared I'm so embarrassed. This must be where T gets it from From me. I feel like I'm defective because I react this way. Dear God, please help me. please help me I feel so sad and embarrassed. Why do I do this, God? Why do I get soemotional? At first I was thinking it was because I have halved my meds, but it isn't because I react this I just needed her to hear me. just to listen to me I miss my sister.
I'm so sorry for yelling and for being like this I'm sorry for being so out of control sometimes. Why am I like this? God please help me stop flying out of control and screaming like this. I don't want to be this fragile, emotional basket case that my family feels like they have to be careful of.
The surgery this past week upset me. I wish I had someone there to help take care of me. I wish I had asked my mom or mysis to come out. Thank goodness for K. She was so good to me. I have to stop being so tough and ask for help. That is my problem. I hate to ask for help. I always try to be so tough and do it all by myself. But who am I trying to prove something to? What am I trying to prove? I miss the birds flying high about the blue water and the sound of the water lapping against the rocks. I want to go sit there later today and find you, God. THat is where I always find you. Please God, take away this empty, pain feeling I have inside and fill it with faith and love, not stupid food or sex or any other vice I may decide to use. Please God, please help me be loving to myself today. I am sorry to my sis and my parents for my outburst. I hate when I so that I feel so ashamed. God, please take away my shame. Those emotions are part of who I am. Help me manage and love that part of me. please, I'm begging you.

I had a procedure done yesterday, outpatient surgery. It should help either lessen or get rid of my periods all together. The "ex-friend" somehow found a number to call me from. It was on of the lines from his work that I haven't blocked yet. Guess I have to block that one, too. I don't think I believe what he said. I didn't answer, but he left me a message to call him. I should have ignored him but i didn't. I did call him back and when he asked me how I was doing, I blabbed that I felt crappy cause of the surgery yesterday. And then he said, "Oh yea, that is why I was calling you because I knew it was coming up soon and I wanted to see when you were haaving it. I just wanted to see if you were okay." If you need anything call me." And so HMMMMMMM.......I started to believe him. STARTED to. Believe that he really does care. But I don't think so. He just wants what he can't have. And if he thinks I'm going to sleep with him after the shitty respect he gave me with this last debaucle with the girlfriend, he is sadly mistaken. Ewww. God only knows what he caught from her. And he didn't even feel like an asshole because he lied to me, no he felt like an asshole because he spent so much money on her and it didn't wind up working out. THAT's why he felt badly.
Ass wipe.

So I should had rested today but instead got up early with tons of energy and decided to clean out the stupid garage. My friend was having a garage sale and she invited me to join in. So I did that all day, but the damn antibiotics made me totally over sensitive to sunlight and heat and I burned like crazy. Weird thing was, I was in the shade 95 percent of the time. My skin felt so hot outside and even itchy. I had a little bit of heart irregularity, so I'm not going to take it tonight. I will call my doc tomorrow, though. I actually took the pain relief tablet and I dont' feel weird at all. I am shocked, I thought it would knock me out. I would like to go to a yoga class tomorrow or sunday. I miss it. I'd like to ride my bike to busse woods also but it has been so damn hot.

I haven't meditated very much this week. I do so well taking care of myself when the kids are gone, but the minute they come back, I put myself in the back seat and have a really hard time setting boundaries and being good to myself. It sucks. I know I need to work harder on that. I know I do.

My therapist was absolutely right, though. I do feel like I took on a bit too much or was about to, anyway. I do not want to teach that pilates class at that park district. I need to just tell her I'm sorry, I can't. Also, I'm not going to do that mentoring thing in M P. I'm okay with the read to learn thing. I'm a bit excited about looking into a masters. Not sure, just getting info.

I am actually looking forward to the kids going back to school. They need the structure and so do I. I am nervous about having too much time on my hands. I will sign up to sub.

Yippppeeeeee!

I finally found that school I heard about. I would love to check it out. I want to email the founder, Sarah. I'm sure she'd be open to it. I would love to work someplace like that. i'm not afraid to send the email. I think I would learn a lot and we would get along great.

I did look at some jobs that are available at the last minute...elementary and middle school. There is a junior high ss one available in addison i think. I should apply. My gut says...what? I don't know. I want to do something different, but what? And what if???I don't know I'm confused and out of touch with my gut right now. My back kills, been awake too long and on laptop too long. Breaktime.

too many distractions?

So...I thought I was going to be rid of the asshole for at least more than a day, but no, he called me from his house phone which I hadn't blocked cause I didn't have the number and then today from his work phone. Both are now blocked. I need to be away from him Everything is always about HIM. When I get the tiny sliverest bit of hope that he may really care about me and be doing something out of kindness towards ME, I am quickly reminded b y HIM that, no. That act of kindness was for his own benefit and his own advancement. Nothing he ever does is without a benefit to himself. What a toxic piece of crap he is. I feel better already knowing that he cannot easily reach me. I will have to screen all my calls again. Granted the sex was tremendous. But that is not enough. I was stupid enough to think that I was using him, when of course, it was the other way around. I don't understand people who are like that. But when I think about the last three men I have dated seriously, I realize that they have ALL been that way. My first husband wasn't, but he was also very insecure and afraid to be strong for himself or anybody else. One guy I had a very brief romance with was confident, selfish in a "normal" male kind of way, but also giving and kind. He too, though was a user. But, again, I knew what I was getting myself into and luckily, HE broke it off.

My sister has not called me and while I am trying to pretend that isn't a big deal, I am really hurt. I am hurt she hasn't apologized and I am hurt by the way she treated me on the phone. I feel used..again. If I don't hear from her by Weds. I will call her to talk about it. I will try to just tell her how I feel. A big part of me is afraid of her. I feel judged by her a lot.

I am having dreams again about going back to work and finding a substitute in my classroom. Even after I show up, she won't leave and I feel like I don't belong there. The kids won't listen to me, I don't know the routines, I don't know what is going on. I just feel left out and not wanted there. That hurts.

And so with all of this I AM trying to find things to fill my time of distract myslef. The good thing is, they are my vices. I am trying to fill my time by looking for volunteer oportunities, workshops I can take to better myself, or classes or lectures I can go to. My therapist told me today to be careful that I didn't over commit myslef and I actually got mad at her. I felt like she was telling me I was doing something wrong. And now I know she was right, because I know that I am trying to find all of these good things to PROVE that I am a good person, that I am worthy, that I DO have something to offer even though I wasn't asked back to my teaching position. It's like I have to prove to myself and others that I am worthwhile. I'm not just sitting on my ass feeling sorry for myself. But it sucks and it hurts that I need to distract myself so much. Writing in this blog really truly is helping me because it is a way for me to get my feelings out of me, I cannot let them fester inside.
And it is a way for me to tell myself what the REaLity is, not the fake negative messages I get from the depressed me. The reality is this, I was fired because I was honest about the unfair practices going on at my school. I was a threat to the principal because she knew people looked up to me and came to me for advice. I had too much power. So, she got rid of me for that reason. ANother part of the reality is this...I feel MYSELF that there were major parts of the job I wasn't brilliant at. I hated the paperwork, i struggled with organization and the amount of work I had to do at home used to piss me off. I DO love to teach, but I love teaching people who appreciate and want to learn about the topic I am teaching. I like to teach WHAT I KNOW. I like to be very very knowledgeabale about my topic. I DON'T like to be spread too thin trying to teach all those subjects. I am not good when I cannot focus on one thing mostly. I become mediocre at best at most of the topics and fairly good at one. And that is NOT the teacher I wanted to be. I was struggling with that daily and that was even before she fired me. So let's be honest and see this as an opportunity to move in a direction that might be more suited to me and my passions.

Now, let's get real about the friend with benefits. For God's sake, I have been trying to get him out of my life for over a year and a half now! I did MUCH better when I wasn't communicating with him or SLEEPING with him. Yes, it is fun, but every time I do that, I damage a little part of my heart. Because I am sacrificing a part of my heart to be with him.

I think I might go to meditation tonight. It was neat. I will meditate now for 15 mins. I think I really need it. I am going to do the humming meditation.

Learning to let go

I'm learning I need to let go of other people's judgements of me because a.) they are often WRONG and b.) I try to use them to make myself feel worse when I am down.

So... my sister just bitched at me and called me selfish when I have clearly been the opposite. I began to turn it inward and agree that I had done something wrong. She tried to make me feel that I had done something wrong, but I DIDN'T. I am proud of myself for telling her I wasn't going to listen to her talk to me like that and then hung up. I fully expect an apology from her before I talk to her again. She does this a lot and I have LET her. I won't do that anymore. And the situation with the "sort of friend with benefits..??" I have let that go also. I am truly okay with the whole thing. I feel lighter and haven't thought about it much. When I do things for me to make me a better person, I can let go of the crap people try to push onto me. But it isn't my crap, it is theirs. I do have to acknowlege, though that there is one thing I should have done with my sis to help avoid this situation. I was wishy washy about dropping off the dog right from the beginning and I kept saying, well, I might be able to, let's see what happens, and what I should have said was, NO, I cannot drive back into the city on Saturday, you will have to come out to get her. Too many times, I am not straightforward with her because she can be so harsh, so I sort of am afraid to do something that will make her mad. I should have just been straightforward. That's the lesson i will take from this. By the way, I took the dog to the forest preserve for a walk and it was beautiful. That helped me feel much better, also. Thank you, God for the unbelievable beauty on this earth. The clouds were so white and the water was glistening, it was wondrous, as always.

Time to Move On

I will be forty in April. Getting laid off from a miserable job and finally breaking off a relationship with a toxic person leaves me FREE. Free to be the change I want to see in the world.

I don't care that nobody is reading this

It just feel so good to write it. To get all this shit and pain out of me. I am devastated...so hurt. And yet I KNEW this would happen I did this to MYSELF!! There was no other possible way for this situation to turn out. It was just a matter of time. That ex-boyfriend became a friend with benefits because I was still lonely I still needed someone even if I told myself it was only for the sex. I didn't even really like him, just the sex. How lonely I had to be to settle just for that. Just for some small stupid physical connection. And it was because we had such strong sexual chemistry. I let him have only what he wanted and convinced myself that as long as we were doing it on my terms and I got to decide when and where, that it was okay. I actually had the audacity to think that I was making myself stronger and more independent. Being like a guy and getting exactly what I wanted. I told him I needed to know if he was sleeping with someone else because I didn't want to catch anything...but even though I meant it, I didn't think it would actually happen! I really didn't think he would meet someone else. I really didn't. And I'm such an idiot. He all of a sudden last week wanted to see me and then suddenly had to "go to Indiana" with his friend dave for a three day weekend. What the F****? ON a houseboat HE hates that shit. He hates anything less than a four star hotel. It all adds up. He bold faced LIED to me. He went to Paris with this woman. Why couldn't he just tell me? I would have rather heard the truth than this b.s. He got back a couple days ago, but interestingly has been texting me for a booty call since he got back. And now, today when I finally take him up on it, he says he can't come. He met someone and doesn't want to cheat. That we are too different and will never last. Well, I AGREE!! Why the hell do you think I broke up with you so many times and tried to get you out of my life? You hate to read, you are racist, you don't help other people, all you care about is money and making tons of it. Your favorite place is VEGAS for God's sake! You are my complete opposite!! You are Ignorant, racist. I used you for the only thing you were good at and that was pleasing me sexually. You loved to eat and have sex. That was it. No thinking, reading , conversations, I was DYING to get you out of my life and now I realize you have given me a gift!!! Just like my boss who fired me from a MISERABLE job, you have allowed me to move on with my life and be the best person I can be. My gut ALWAYS told me to stay away from me. ALWAYS told me you brought down my quality of life. One STUPID thing that is bugging me is I know the woman you met probably has a lot of money, likes flashy things, materialistic things, fake nails, big hair and boobs, etc.. and is fake like you. Superficial like you and for some reason it really bothers me. I guess I truly thought that I could change you and make you want to learn, or want to meet and accept other kinds of people. I thought I could make you want to be helpful and caring and giving. It is truly not in your nature. I know this will last for a few months with you. Maybe longer, You will then go back to the old you. Right now it is new and you are on your best behavior. She probably thinks you are charming. Funny. She will see the true you soon enough, just like I did. However, if she is more like you, then the racist comments and the blatant flirting with other women and the obvious material desire won't bother her. You will be like two peas in a pod.

Yes, I am lonely. I am lonely because I have allowed myself to be with selfish partners. I'm lonely becusue I have abandoned myself in my depression and turned to food and sex to fill the emptiness. However, even though I am still lonely, I will NOT go to a relationship like that last one with you. I deserve better. I want to be able to freely be who i really am. I want to be generous and listen to NPR and eat my vegetarian food and bike to the store instead of drive because I care about our planet. I want to be a better me and take care of me. I deserve that. And getting you out of my life is the best way to do that.

I start right now, by thanking God for allowing me to learn the lesson I was supposed to learn (finally) and I am asking God to help me move on and move up!! I am going to fall in and out of saddness, loneliness today because that is my pattern after things like this happen. I need to meditate and get OUTSIDE to connect with my spirit and feel like I am an amazing person. I am also going to block him from everything and KEEP him blocked in case he tries to come back. Because, he ALWAYS does.

It's all about ME people!!

Something's Missing

I envy those people who go to church and know when to stand and kneel and sit. I am impressed by people who can remember which prayers to say for the appropriate occasion. Five times a day, when Muslims wash their feet and bow, then kneel and press their palms and forheads to the ground as they face Mecca, I feel a tug inside me like a child saying, "I want that." Buddhist monks who can empty their minds and meditate for hours are amazing to me. I yearn to have the kind of connection that these people have with God.

Something is missing inside my soul. It is that constant connection, that inpenetrable FAITH that I want and need so badly. I know that is what I am looking for in the excess food, sex, and relationships with men. People tell me to go to church, or go to a temple. But I cannot find it there. For me, it isn't something I need to find, because I know it is already within me. It needs to be accessed. I have had occasions when God is with me, within me and all around me. I experience a tremendous feeling of love and calm....a peaceful feeling that everything is as it should be and I will be okay. Certain places in nature evoke that within me. I am able to tap into the part of me that is where God lives inside me and I am usually grateful to the point of tears. I cannot imagine not having this feeling and am sad when I know I cannot maintain it.

I am looking to maintain it. I want to know that when I do this, this and this, I am in that part of me. I am fully in love and in "faith" with God, with the world, with humanity, with everything. There are so many distractions in our lives that cut us off from that connection, and unfortunately, I invite more distractions with my addictions. My depression is an expression of the pain I feel when I am cut off from my spirituality. How do I hold on to that? How do I sustain that undying love and faith? That is what I am envious of.

I have tried to start certain routines and think what those who maintain this know is that repetition and routine are key. You do the things that work for you and you do them over and over again, until you can tap into the feeling they invoke naturally. I have noticed this with yoga and also with meditation. Also with walking in nature, and being alone in nature. I know these things work for me. I need to make the decision that I will do these things daily. I put off yoga and meditation because it isn't "easy" and then I complain about not having a connection. I have not yet built a dedication to these practices. They are a form of prayer, a way of connecting to God, and Muslims, Hindus, Jews all know that you must practice and keep going back to God to make the connection strong.

So today I will ask God to help me WANT to build a practice of my own. Help me want to build in repetition and routine into my daily life so that I can fill that gaping hole in my heart with You instead of negativity.

Sorrow and Loss

I amd going to explode into tears soon. I am SO sad. There is a week and a half before school starts and normally I would be setting up my classroom, making nametags, shelving books and planning lessons. I'd have a sense of excitement because here was a chance for me to start over. The new school year always represents new beginnings for me moreso than January 1st ever has. I can do things differently, better than I did the year before. I can take what I've learned from the previous year's class and apply it to fresh, pliable and a little bit scared new blood. I love teaching. There are some things about it that I don't like of course, the paperwork and politics and testing. The kissing up to my administration. Difficult kids. But for the most part, I love it and I love doing it. I am good at it. Kids feel comfortable with me. Anyway.

But last March I was told I was not going to be asked back this school year. Up until now I have felt like I was on summer break, just like every other teacher around. But I can't hide behind that myth anymore. Reality hit me right in the face this morning when one of my former coworkers called to see how I was doing/handling things. She had been at school yesterday and was sad that I wasn't there. While she was stapling borders to the bulletin board and printing nametags to laminate for her new students, I was here at home, still on "I'm on summer vacation" mode.

I had a dream last night that I was given a "break" and the administration had decided to keep me on for a probationary time period. I was teaching with another teacher, (a former male coworker) but he was the real teacher. I didn't have any power, wasn't in charge of anything. Yet, even though the classroom technically wasn't mine, I felt embarrassed that the room was plain and undecorated. I was like an asisstant and the students all knew it. I felt humiliated. And in my dream that's when I realized I didn't want to work for that district anyway.

I know deep in my heart that I am a good teacher. Parents ask for me, kids love me. I may not be the best teacher academically and I'm not very organized, but my students always felt loved and cared for. However, I'm having a really hard time remembering that in my heart because my former principal basically had a personal vendetta against me and did everything she could to make me feel like an incompetent, miserable educator. I know it isn't true. I know it...nobody would agree with her. But just the fact that I now have no job because of this....this is the perfect time for that part inside of me that sinks into depression and talks down to myself-it has now said to me, "See I told you you were a loser and a failure."

All of this has made me question whether I want to teach elementary school or school anymore at all. I waver between wanting to do high school history and college or adult education. I am looking for a way to still teach but get away from the "you will teach to the test and your students will score well or you suck" mentality. But then when I go looking into other jobs...I freak. I don't know if I am qualified to do any of these other things out here in the "real" world. Being unemployed makes me feel scared, useless, worthless and low. I have been able to pretend until now that I wasn't unemployed. But. Now all my friends will go back to work and make a difference while I sit here and feel like a complete failure. I KNOW these thoughts are wrong and all in my head. I KNOW the principal personally had it out for me and that is all this was... a personal revenge on her part. I HAVE to get these negative thoughts out of my consciousness.

Something I have tended to be "known" for is being outspoken. I always speak up for the underdog, ever since I was little. I always felt that I had to help our world be a more fair place. Unfortunately, I haven't always carried my message to others in the most healthy way. I have let my emotions build and build while I numb out with my many vices. Then, someone will say or do something that will break me open and I pop like a bottle of champagne. I cry, sometimes swear, am brutally honest. I lose that "social filter" that most of us have and say things loudly and publicly that are better discussed quietly and in private. My message is usually right on. I'm always correct about the injustices that are being perpetrated, but my delivery is my downfall. I have lost friends this way, lost my JOB this way and caused people to think of me as unstable or one who should be dealt with as if an eggshell.

So today, I am mourning my job....a huge part of my soul. I am also fighting the anger I have toward myself for all the "outbursts" I've ever had in my adult life. On top of that, our beloved cat, Mitch (11yrs) is dying.

He has large tumors growing under his neck and on his hind legs. He is eating less and less and moving more slowly. I never could have known that he would become so much a part of our family. His death will devastate the boys and I'm terrified will plunge me further into this hole into which I've been struggling to get out. I've told the boys that we need to love Mitch as much as possible now and cuddle him and brush him, just be there with him. I have a terrible feeling he is going to be leaving us soon. Today he couldn't walk very far with my oldest son and his eye is a bit swollen and watery. Perhaps this will be the opportunity for me to empty myself of my tears of grief for both our beloved pet and my career.

No one but me

I am writing this for no one but me. No, that's not true. I hope that other people who deal with the same demons that I do on a daily basis might find some hope in my story. Perhaps we can help each other. All I know is I have been in and out of depression since I was a teenager.

I am sixty pounds overweight. I have eaten my way through the past year and a half on purpose. I have used food to escape my depression and numb myself to its concequences. Nothing works anymore though. There is not a single morsel of food I can conjure up in my head that would make me feel better. Nothing can make this empty, judgmental feeling leave. Food is my comfort, the one way I have to give myself pleasure. Of course, I know it doesn't really work, but this habit is hard to break.

Sometimes I love the way I am. I love that I have an excuse to hide in my house and under my huge clothes. I pick at my eyelashes and my face so that I can use that as my reason for not socializing...I'm too ugly. These are all the ways I punish myself.

Yes, I'm on medication and yes, it does help. I feel far more in control than I have in the past without it. I am less anxious and am quite calm.

During my "good" times, (whether they be days, weeks or even months) I am a strong, independent, outgoing mother, friend and teacher. I love to interact with people. I love giving my opinion and don't hesitate to meet others for dinner or go to a comedy club. I do yoga and take kickboxing and love myself for the most part. I am organized and efficient. My house is clean and my kids have shiny plaque-free teeth and fresh-smelling clothes. I eat when I'm hungry and usually choose healthier foods and smaller portions because I just don't worry about it.

Unfortunately, it has been quite awhile since I've had a "good" episode. You can usually tell how I'm doing inside by what I look like on the outside and how disgusting my house is! If I have a weeks' worth of dishes in the sink, I'm in the thick of it.

Part of me thinks that writing about it in this blog will help me get over it. Something about getting it out there...being completely honest with everyone..not just the friends I abandoned during my lowest points but also to complete strangers.

I do believe I can change. I have changed many times. What I need help with is sustaining that change. Maintaining that. That's what I'm looking for.