What I do right now makes a difference. I need to keep him at a distance from me and my life. I would like to finish the laundry and so the dishes, but It is a beautiful day. I might go for a walk. Also, why am I so resistant to sending her info about perm for our workshop? I feel so incredibly inadequate. I also need to be focused. Maybe I'll go to the library later. From 4-5 before they close. I really don't feel like I have a lot to offer on the subjuect. I almost just want to take stuff from the workshop I went to, but I know that isnt right. Why am I so resistant? Fear.

hanging on

Its getting worse. Everyday I feel a little less like doing anything. I want to sleep and am doing lots of it. Also mindless eating. Nothing even tastes good anymore. I'm terrified of not having a job and I'm terrified of getting a job. Afraid of the fact that I won't be able to be consistent in my work. One day I'm pumped up about it. and then for a week I could care less. I'm afraid of a job with lots of responsiblitly, where people are counting on me. I can barely take care of myself, let alone be responsible for other people's expectations. Don't want any expectations upon me. I'm doing okay with the boys, though I can feel myself sllipping into letting that go. Just letting them get away with anything and trying to get through the day. It isn't fair to them. And obviously, something is getting to T. He can sense something because he asked this morning if we were going to be in this house when he's in fifth grade. I said of course, but he was pulling his fingers and seemed uncomfortable. I will NOT lose this house for them. I need to get back to taking care of ME so I can take care of them. I know that the perm became a bit of an obsession and was a  bit of a distraction. But it doesn't have to be. I do believe in that stuff and it did help me when I went away for that week. I was forced to be healtlhy and think more healthily. I've also been trying to think of men I might be interested in, so that I can use that as an excuse to care more about myself and take care ofme better by exercising and eating better and grooming better etc... so stupid that I want to have a guy force me to do that. You can tell I'm getting into a deep hole when I don't shave my legs or anywhere else. It has nothing to do with being environmentally correct, because to be honest, I hate the way they look and feel when they are hairy. I have been talking to God quietly, but not doing yoga or walking much or really meditating. Lots of tv watching, sleeping and eating. Feeding the boys and myself quick junk food, packaged crap. I am needing to be touched physically, as well. I don't know if it is so much sex that I want as it is loving touch. When I got the pedicure on Thursday (and I'm glad I did, even if it was in a rebellious way, like, fuck it I'm spending money I dont have..) it was so nice to feel somebody actually touching my skin. Not like a turn on, but like it was nice that somebody cared. And I've been thinking a lot about carrying out one of my fantasies...the one about experimenting with a woman. I've never been this close to doing it before. I dont want to feel shame about it. I don't think I am a lesbian, I am just curious. Just want to know what it is like. But, then again, maybe it has something to do with the fact that right now I am lonely and want physical touch but dont want to be hurt again like with P who can absolutlely give the physcial but not a scrap of the emotional or caring part. There is nothing wrong with trying it out and experimenting. In some ways, I might feel less judged. I don't know. I dont want it to be sleezy and gross. Only different. I also found myself thinking about that guy who helped with the bike, even though he is young. And, when i dropped the boys off at that occasion, when that old friend hugged me, I felt so good. NOT at all sexual, just cared about. And I know we have always had a connectioin, not even a sexual one, but one that is a caring about each other and likeing to be around each other. Understanding each other. I always liked talking to him. I could tell he cared and was kind and gentle as well as hard working. He is married, though and I would never ever pursue anything like that. I wont do that.
So what are the ways I can get that physical touch thing and taking care of myself thing needs met? Massage, hugs from the kids, exercise...I get a feeling like I care about my body and am taking care of it. The pool felt especially comforting yesterday, maybe meeting that woman and seeing if we are interested in trying it out, putting healthier food in my body when it is hungry, journalling, stretching.....definitely stretching.
I want someone to care about me...but i have to care ab out me first.

I am realizing that this is not something I'm suddenly going to "get" or understand and it will click for the rest of my life. I won't suddenly change and stay that way for my life...this struggle I have with taking care of myself and liking myself will be lifelong It will be every day and i will need to choose every day. I have depression and so it will be struggle for me. I will always have a tendency to fall into those down times. And I might need to allow myself to do that. Perhaps I need to accept that part of my life will be these down times and part of it will be pulling myself out and living happily. But I will always have some down, bad times. I need to accept that. And whomever I work with. have a relationship or friendship with also will need to know that. Perhaps accepting that part of myself will help me to not feel like a failure because that is just who I am.

shitty day

I hope nobody reads this. It can sound so pathetic. I woke up feeling worthless and it is now ten at night and I just got out of the tub where I spent the time crying and praying to God to help me stop feeling so worthless. I really did feel like I got an answer though and it was that I don't have to do anything or be anything special or say anything in order to be important and worthwhile. It's not about being the right size or having the right job. It is about just being a human being. That in itself makes me worthwhile. I am important because I am alive. I need to be okay with not having to be anything or do anything special. Just be.

Lots less meds

I'm really proud of myself. I don't take the Wellbutrin at all anymore and I don't notice a difference in the way I feel. I've also cut back to 150 mg of effexor instead of the 300 and again, I don't notice a difference. I think I've been on this dose for about two weeks. That's really good. I'd prefer not to have to take them. I will try the niacin supplements when my nose is healed completely becasue of the stupid niacin flush.

My nose still hurts quite a bit. I was right when I guessed about 10 days for full recovery. It's only been four. My headaches and face aches aren''t quite as bad, but I'm still extremely sensitive to light and very  tired. Just physically exhausted. Nauseous sometimes, too. But only taking a bit of food at a time.
But I am sleepin when I need to and asking for help because I have absolutely no choice. I am dizzy still when I drive, like major motion sickness. yuck.

I cannot believe P. He is so crazy. So incredibly sick. Like his like is messed up beyond belief and he did it to himself. I don't feel sorry for him. I hate that I keep even thinking about him. All I realize is that this past nine months/year while I've been his "sort of" friend, he has been telling me nothing. His life has been one big lie. To have a baby and not believe it, to fail a test three times so that you can get a promotion, to live in a dump and have maybe two friends, his only area of his life he feels control over is food and sex and that is why he loses weight and feels invincible. When he loses weight, he feels like he did when he was rich. Like he's so important. And the sexual addiction is just the one way he knows to distract himself. He is truly one sick person. Wow, when I look at him I am very glad we grew apart over the past year and I never really let him back into my life. Yuck.

I'm going to be okay. I feel right about taking this permaculture certification. It will give me some credibility and background info as well as some contacts. I can take this further. Whether it is with schools, or showing communities....or what, I don't know? Everything is going to work out for me I can feel it. I have faith. I'm going to be great. I love my life right now. Thank you God for my family, friends, my roof over my head. My life. Thank you.

Told you you were better off without him

What an Eye opener. The ex just told me that he is a new daddy. Had a baby boy on Weds. evening. Crap. Got some woman pregnant in December and didn't believe her when she told hime He had to have a paternity test. What a LOSER. Thank god he is out of my life. I'm pissed though that he kept secrets from me. That I slept with him after he had slept with somebody else. THat's my own issue. Not his. I'm going to be much more careful with my body now.
My face still hurts from the surgery. I get headaches and my eye weeps. My nose burns at times too. But I needed this down time and am so glad my parents were here to take care of me. My mom babied me and cleaned the house. My dad hung some shelves and he and I talked about my next step. I think I will take that permaculture course. It is what Im interested in and is the future. I am going in the right direction.

What the hell is wrong with me?

I've been feeling okay. Pretty good sometimes and trying to live moment by moment. I have freak out moments like today when I found out that my insurance denied payment for my ablation. I didn't realize I had to get preapproval and now I'm afraid I might be screwed. Have to stop worrying about it tonight cause I can call them tomorrow. Also supposedly BCBS told my doc office that my insurance was terminated Aug. 31st. Which means that the school district somehow screwed up. Pain in the ass. Also I've been looking on line at availabale jobs and I dont qualify for many and it is scary. And when I think about how tight money is getting I get nervous. I wanted to eat and eat. I did binge and wanted to keep going but is was doing absolutely nothing for me whatsoever. I love being home with the boys in the morning. I like teaching the aqua class on Saturdays. I am looking forward to tutoring on Wednesdays. It is when other people ask me about  my job search and want details and answers that i feel discomfort and anxiety. I know I want to make a difference. I know I want to help others be green or work with adults from other countries...esl? Solar panel company? Dad says I should look to see what other companies are out there that will "green" your business for you and try to get a job with them. I was SO intrigued with the ESL for adults teacher, though. I will see how the tutoring goes and maybe that is a direction I'd like to take.

Also, I contacted the ex boyfriend and I shouldn't have. I successfully had him blocked but he kept using other people's phones. I wanted to borrow money from him. Am I crazy???? That is a string I dont need!!! And I thought he'd drop anything to see me, but no, when I suggested lunch he said he doesnt take lunch doesnt' take a break during the work day. That is crap because he could if he wanted to. He just won't make that time for me. Soooooo...I'm obviously not THAT important-as ALWAYS. Asswipe. Him.. not me

Losing it

I binged last night really bad. I made dough in the bread machine for pizza and then instead made bread sticks. I ate them ALL. ALL of them last night. When I looked in the mirror after yoga today I was shocked. I wasn't sure who it was I didn't recognize myself. I look so round and full and puffy. I feel so far away from God. Not good about myself. Went to yoga that was good went to the fair trade shop and met someone great. I need help God. please please  help me not lose my way. I need to know that I'm on the right path. I get scared every now and then about not having a job and about not wanting to teach anymore.

I need to be honest. I realized I need to say something out loud after I saw that my cousin  just got hired to teach. She just graduated.

First. I dont WANT to do it anymore. I was relieved not to be doing it when I went to the open houses for the boys. Happy I didn't have to deal with that job. And when I get down on myself and think I'm a loser because no one hired me I MUST remind myself that I DIDN'T make an effort to apply. I haven't told anybody this. I only applied to about three or four jobs and two of them were in the same district. There have been many more available. AND...here is the big thing, my application doesn't have my teaching certificate scanned into it so it isn't attached to any of my applications. THat alone is a reason for districts to not even look at my resume. So, realistically I made it so that I wouldn't get hired. Not that I wasn't good enought...but I didn't put myslef out there. I really don't want to teach elementary school or even juniior high anymore. I don't want to I don't want to I don't want to.