I don't know why I keep expecting people to jump up and down or something and tell me how great I am after reading my other blog. It is ridiculous. I should be happy I have a place to practice my writing and be creative.
Today was a really really hard day for me. All day I wanted to cry just cry and cry and I felt so bad about myself. Like I was so mean and horrible and worthless. I wanted to cry I was so lonely. So sad. School or lack of school is getting me down. My outburst screaming fit at my sis made me feel horrible. I said some terrible things to her and it just made me think of all the other times I've lost control and been a horrible person screming, swearing. I'm so sad today. I really didn't want to take more of my meds, but I broke down and took 75mg. more tonight because I'm afraid for tomorrow. I don't want to feel like this tomorrow. I've been so moody since my surgery on THursday. The only thing I can think of is it messed up my hormones or the anesthesia messed me up a bit. I do feel like I miss my sister. We haven't really been very close recently. i am sad and lonely about not working. I am also lonely because I don't have a good relationship with a man. I've made myself lonely by staying with a guy who is selfish and only wants one thing. I have hidden myself behind sixty extra pounds so I don't have to deal with the trials and tribulations of having another person close to me. Of having someone else to think about. It is hard enough to think about just myself and my boys. Too much to worry about what somebody else thinks. But I do miss having somebody care about me. I do miss the physical comfort, holding hands, laughing, enjoying someone else's company. I do miss that.