too many distractions?

So...I thought I was going to be rid of the asshole for at least more than a day, but no, he called me from his house phone which I hadn't blocked cause I didn't have the number and then today from his work phone. Both are now blocked. I need to be away from him Everything is always about HIM. When I get the tiny sliverest bit of hope that he may really care about me and be doing something out of kindness towards ME, I am quickly reminded b y HIM that, no. That act of kindness was for his own benefit and his own advancement. Nothing he ever does is without a benefit to himself. What a toxic piece of crap he is. I feel better already knowing that he cannot easily reach me. I will have to screen all my calls again. Granted the sex was tremendous. But that is not enough. I was stupid enough to think that I was using him, when of course, it was the other way around. I don't understand people who are like that. But when I think about the last three men I have dated seriously, I realize that they have ALL been that way. My first husband wasn't, but he was also very insecure and afraid to be strong for himself or anybody else. One guy I had a very brief romance with was confident, selfish in a "normal" male kind of way, but also giving and kind. He too, though was a user. But, again, I knew what I was getting myself into and luckily, HE broke it off.

My sister has not called me and while I am trying to pretend that isn't a big deal, I am really hurt. I am hurt she hasn't apologized and I am hurt by the way she treated me on the phone. I feel used..again. If I don't hear from her by Weds. I will call her to talk about it. I will try to just tell her how I feel. A big part of me is afraid of her. I feel judged by her a lot.

I am having dreams again about going back to work and finding a substitute in my classroom. Even after I show up, she won't leave and I feel like I don't belong there. The kids won't listen to me, I don't know the routines, I don't know what is going on. I just feel left out and not wanted there. That hurts.

And so with all of this I AM trying to find things to fill my time of distract myslef. The good thing is, they are my vices. I am trying to fill my time by looking for volunteer oportunities, workshops I can take to better myself, or classes or lectures I can go to. My therapist told me today to be careful that I didn't over commit myslef and I actually got mad at her. I felt like she was telling me I was doing something wrong. And now I know she was right, because I know that I am trying to find all of these good things to PROVE that I am a good person, that I am worthy, that I DO have something to offer even though I wasn't asked back to my teaching position. It's like I have to prove to myself and others that I am worthwhile. I'm not just sitting on my ass feeling sorry for myself. But it sucks and it hurts that I need to distract myself so much. Writing in this blog really truly is helping me because it is a way for me to get my feelings out of me, I cannot let them fester inside.
And it is a way for me to tell myself what the REaLity is, not the fake negative messages I get from the depressed me. The reality is this, I was fired because I was honest about the unfair practices going on at my school. I was a threat to the principal because she knew people looked up to me and came to me for advice. I had too much power. So, she got rid of me for that reason. ANother part of the reality is this...I feel MYSELF that there were major parts of the job I wasn't brilliant at. I hated the paperwork, i struggled with organization and the amount of work I had to do at home used to piss me off. I DO love to teach, but I love teaching people who appreciate and want to learn about the topic I am teaching. I like to teach WHAT I KNOW. I like to be very very knowledgeabale about my topic. I DON'T like to be spread too thin trying to teach all those subjects. I am not good when I cannot focus on one thing mostly. I become mediocre at best at most of the topics and fairly good at one. And that is NOT the teacher I wanted to be. I was struggling with that daily and that was even before she fired me. So let's be honest and see this as an opportunity to move in a direction that might be more suited to me and my passions.

Now, let's get real about the friend with benefits. For God's sake, I have been trying to get him out of my life for over a year and a half now! I did MUCH better when I wasn't communicating with him or SLEEPING with him. Yes, it is fun, but every time I do that, I damage a little part of my heart. Because I am sacrificing a part of my heart to be with him.

I think I might go to meditation tonight. It was neat. I will meditate now for 15 mins. I think I really need it. I am going to do the humming meditation.