Going overboard

I need to slow down. I have been doing too many things to distract myself from the feelings of worthlessness I have had for the past three days. These are the first official actually four days of being unemployed. I drove past the school last night and it sucked. I wanted to cry. I have been keeping myself so busy cleaning and fixing things and organizing and cooking so I don't have to feel. I'm scared I'm going to get depressed if I don't stay really really busy. I have to admit, it was nice not to have to go anyplace today. It is nice to enjoy my house by myself. But I'm now trying too hard to be the perfect little homemaker and realistically, that is just not who I am. I am a bit messy and I don't make everything from scratch. I have been exercising with a friend, though and that is helping. I'm actually having fun and I love teaching her new moves. I know it's good for my body, too. I had chest pain on Weds. evening but it went away. I wanted to eat and eat tonight..something really sweet, but no matter what I thought of, nothing would fill my empty spot. So, I had a small bowl of ice cream and some sweet potato fries and really it wasn't a binge, only my dinner. So, I didn't use food. I do still try, but it doesn't work anymore.

It sucks when I have to explain why I'm home when people ask me. I hate their pity and I hate having to explain it. I feel like a loser.

I hate the ex boyfriend. He called me from a different line at his work, another one I hadn't blocked yet..but now it is. He is such an asshole. I tried to get him to understand that he was a jerk because he lied to me by trying to sleep with when he was dating this other girl. He didn't see it that way and didn't see it as disrespectful to me at all. Only to her. And he didn't even know her and she broke up with him anyway. He is incapable of caring for anyone but himself and his daughter. So glad he is totally blocked and that I told him he was an ass and not to contact me again. He said she had asked if they could still be friends and I said, why in the hell would anybody want to be your friend? He agreed with me. He knows he is an ass and a loser but won't do anything to change. Good riddance to bad rubbish.