No one but me

I am writing this for no one but me. No, that's not true. I hope that other people who deal with the same demons that I do on a daily basis might find some hope in my story. Perhaps we can help each other. All I know is I have been in and out of depression since I was a teenager.

I am sixty pounds overweight. I have eaten my way through the past year and a half on purpose. I have used food to escape my depression and numb myself to its concequences. Nothing works anymore though. There is not a single morsel of food I can conjure up in my head that would make me feel better. Nothing can make this empty, judgmental feeling leave. Food is my comfort, the one way I have to give myself pleasure. Of course, I know it doesn't really work, but this habit is hard to break.

Sometimes I love the way I am. I love that I have an excuse to hide in my house and under my huge clothes. I pick at my eyelashes and my face so that I can use that as my reason for not socializing...I'm too ugly. These are all the ways I punish myself.

Yes, I'm on medication and yes, it does help. I feel far more in control than I have in the past without it. I am less anxious and am quite calm.

During my "good" times, (whether they be days, weeks or even months) I am a strong, independent, outgoing mother, friend and teacher. I love to interact with people. I love giving my opinion and don't hesitate to meet others for dinner or go to a comedy club. I do yoga and take kickboxing and love myself for the most part. I am organized and efficient. My house is clean and my kids have shiny plaque-free teeth and fresh-smelling clothes. I eat when I'm hungry and usually choose healthier foods and smaller portions because I just don't worry about it.

Unfortunately, it has been quite awhile since I've had a "good" episode. You can usually tell how I'm doing inside by what I look like on the outside and how disgusting my house is! If I have a weeks' worth of dishes in the sink, I'm in the thick of it.

Part of me thinks that writing about it in this blog will help me get over it. Something about getting it out there...being completely honest with everyone..not just the friends I abandoned during my lowest points but also to complete strangers.

I do believe I can change. I have changed many times. What I need help with is sustaining that change. Maintaining that. That's what I'm looking for.