It just feel so good to write it. To get all this shit and pain out of me. I am devastated...so hurt. And yet I KNEW this would happen I did this to MYSELF!! There was no other possible way for this situation to turn out. It was just a matter of time. That ex-boyfriend became a friend with benefits because I was still lonely I still needed someone even if I told myself it was only for the sex. I didn't even really like him, just the sex. How lonely I had to be to settle just for that. Just for some small stupid physical connection. And it was because we had such strong sexual chemistry. I let him have only what he wanted and convinced myself that as long as we were doing it on my terms and I got to decide when and where, that it was okay. I actually had the audacity to think that I was making myself stronger and more independent. Being like a guy and getting exactly what I wanted. I told him I needed to know if he was sleeping with someone else because I didn't want to catch anything...but even though I meant it, I didn't think it would actually happen! I really didn't think he would meet someone else. I really didn't. And I'm such an idiot. He all of a sudden last week wanted to see me and then suddenly had to "go to Indiana" with his friend dave for a three day weekend. What the F****? ON a houseboat HE hates that shit. He hates anything less than a four star hotel. It all adds up. He bold faced LIED to me. He went to Paris with this woman. Why couldn't he just tell me? I would have rather heard the truth than this b.s. He got back a couple days ago, but interestingly has been texting me for a booty call since he got back. And now, today when I finally take him up on it, he says he can't come. He met someone and doesn't want to cheat. That we are too different and will never last. Well, I AGREE!! Why the hell do you think I broke up with you so many times and tried to get you out of my life? You hate to read, you are racist, you don't help other people, all you care about is money and making tons of it. Your favorite place is VEGAS for God's sake! You are my complete opposite!! You are Ignorant, racist. I used you for the only thing you were good at and that was pleasing me sexually. You loved to eat and have sex. That was it. No thinking, reading , conversations, I was DYING to get you out of my life and now I realize you have given me a gift!!! Just like my boss who fired me from a MISERABLE job, you have allowed me to move on with my life and be the best person I can be. My gut ALWAYS told me to stay away from me. ALWAYS told me you brought down my quality of life. One STUPID thing that is bugging me is I know the woman you met probably has a lot of money, likes flashy things, materialistic things, fake nails, big hair and boobs, etc.. and is fake like you. Superficial like you and for some reason it really bothers me. I guess I truly thought that I could change you and make you want to learn, or want to meet and accept other kinds of people. I thought I could make you want to be helpful and caring and giving. It is truly not in your nature. I know this will last for a few months with you. Maybe longer, You will then go back to the old you. Right now it is new and you are on your best behavior. She probably thinks you are charming. Funny. She will see the true you soon enough, just like I did. However, if she is more like you, then the racist comments and the blatant flirting with other women and the obvious material desire won't bother her. You will be like two peas in a pod.
Yes, I am lonely. I am lonely because I have allowed myself to be with selfish partners. I'm lonely becusue I have abandoned myself in my depression and turned to food and sex to fill the emptiness. However, even though I am still lonely, I will NOT go to a relationship like that last one with you. I deserve better. I want to be able to freely be who i really am. I want to be generous and listen to NPR and eat my vegetarian food and bike to the store instead of drive because I care about our planet. I want to be a better me and take care of me. I deserve that. And getting you out of my life is the best way to do that.
I start right now, by thanking God for allowing me to learn the lesson I was supposed to learn (finally) and I am asking God to help me move on and move up!! I am going to fall in and out of saddness, loneliness today because that is my pattern after things like this happen. I need to meditate and get OUTSIDE to connect with my spirit and feel like I am an amazing person. I am also going to block him from everything and KEEP him blocked in case he tries to come back. Because, he ALWAYS does.
It's all about ME people!!
You GO girl!!!!!
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