Something's Missing

I envy those people who go to church and know when to stand and kneel and sit. I am impressed by people who can remember which prayers to say for the appropriate occasion. Five times a day, when Muslims wash their feet and bow, then kneel and press their palms and forheads to the ground as they face Mecca, I feel a tug inside me like a child saying, "I want that." Buddhist monks who can empty their minds and meditate for hours are amazing to me. I yearn to have the kind of connection that these people have with God.

Something is missing inside my soul. It is that constant connection, that inpenetrable FAITH that I want and need so badly. I know that is what I am looking for in the excess food, sex, and relationships with men. People tell me to go to church, or go to a temple. But I cannot find it there. For me, it isn't something I need to find, because I know it is already within me. It needs to be accessed. I have had occasions when God is with me, within me and all around me. I experience a tremendous feeling of love and calm....a peaceful feeling that everything is as it should be and I will be okay. Certain places in nature evoke that within me. I am able to tap into the part of me that is where God lives inside me and I am usually grateful to the point of tears. I cannot imagine not having this feeling and am sad when I know I cannot maintain it.

I am looking to maintain it. I want to know that when I do this, this and this, I am in that part of me. I am fully in love and in "faith" with God, with the world, with humanity, with everything. There are so many distractions in our lives that cut us off from that connection, and unfortunately, I invite more distractions with my addictions. My depression is an expression of the pain I feel when I am cut off from my spirituality. How do I hold on to that? How do I sustain that undying love and faith? That is what I am envious of.

I have tried to start certain routines and think what those who maintain this know is that repetition and routine are key. You do the things that work for you and you do them over and over again, until you can tap into the feeling they invoke naturally. I have noticed this with yoga and also with meditation. Also with walking in nature, and being alone in nature. I know these things work for me. I need to make the decision that I will do these things daily. I put off yoga and meditation because it isn't "easy" and then I complain about not having a connection. I have not yet built a dedication to these practices. They are a form of prayer, a way of connecting to God, and Muslims, Hindus, Jews all know that you must practice and keep going back to God to make the connection strong.

So today I will ask God to help me WANT to build a practice of my own. Help me want to build in repetition and routine into my daily life so that I can fill that gaping hole in my heart with You instead of negativity.